A Mommy Alone?

Finding my Way Through  the Days When my Princesses Are With Their Daddy

What is a mommy alone? I can easily see my-self as a mommy and an only parent. The girls have been thriving since Bearded Daddy left us. Some days have been harder, yes. But the big picture looks better. A calmer, happier mommy with dancing, singing and giggling princesses. 

The real pain are the days when the Princesses are with their Daddy. What am I supposed to do? What do mommies do, when there is nothing to do? Who am I, when I'm alone? 

I've been doing my "school stuff" on the lonely days. Spent hours with the dogs and horses. Met with friends and taken long showers uninterrupted. Not too bad, one might think. Yet it's devastating. Once you give birth your heart is bound forever. I never seem to feel complete anymore with-out the Princesses. I do feel happy and proud of the things I do alone or in the company of other adults. Yet the longing remains. 

There are only a few things that have the ability to tear your soul apart. One of them is leaving your crying children in the care of someone else - even when that someone else is their daddy. Everything in your being fights, your body aches as you drag your feet away.

When there are no children, what's left of a mommy?

Beyond sadness

Something in soul transcends sorrow. Maybe it's hope, sometimes determination and unwillingness to give up. I felt better yesterday, I feel even stronger today. Come what may, I will live, laugh, love and be happy again.

There is an immanent beauty in every moment. It is present in our moments of great joy and it's there in our deepest despair. I knew to look for it and survived. During these past months there have been moments of such pain I thought I would die. I might be traumatized for life, but I'm breathing, fighting, looking forward to the next day.

There is no quick-fix recovery here. Only the solemn knowledge that every time I draw breath, I heal. Kore went to the Underworld to become Persefone - to turn from a maiden to a queen. Inanna descended to the Underworld and cheated Death. I faced my own death and underworld full of shadows and fear already once.

And there are days when the entire world seems to bring solace. When after an entire day of rain there is a sunset more brilliant than any I've ever seen illuminating the wet pines - like a forest of glittering gold. A reminder of life's beauty in the midst sorrow and pain.